Dear Daddy,

    I think of you often these days. Now that I’m doing manual labor as you always had to, it helps me understand some of what you must have felt. Of course there are but two of us in my home not the nine you had to fend for. And I know that being able to read has helped me somewhat, an advantage you never had, but I do think I understand the depths of your exhaustion back then. My sisters say that I am a lot like you, I always take it as a complement because I was always in awe of you. I hardly remember any talks we had together but I do remember the arguments. I once saw my cousin talking with his dad and I thought he was in trouble and could not believe for while that his dad would speak to him if he was not. I’m sorry I gave you and Mama such a hard time. I guess being a teenager one has to try to stretch his wings but thinking back now I see how often I was an ungrateful jerk. I tell you now before everybody you were right in so many ways. When you got so sick I began to wake up a bit. With brother moved away I suddenly saw myself having to step up and take some responsibility and the thought terrified me. I did begin to get my life straightened out. I met and married a lovely girl who became the mother of my children. My first child was born just after you died, with a sweet disposition like yours and I will always regret that you two never met. You never met my second child either, very different from the first and quite a hand full. I know you’re so proud. I’m thinking of my ordinal ceremony and how before you died you said the dedication prayer. The room was awash with tears, ours with them. I remember the prayer and how I also could hear the click, click, click, of your artificial heart valve. Your heart was beginning to fail even then.

    I’ve wondered what you would have said about the failure of my first marriage and what advice you might have given. I remember how when you were so sick you played solitaire by the hour with real playing cards. Once when I was playing solitaire on my computer I imagined myself explaining to you how to do it. I felt like you were there with me and I ached inside when reality set in and I was alone.  I wonder what you would say to me today. You would like my current wife, beautiful, intelligent, level headed, all the things I need.

    My thoughts have been very scattered. The recollections come too fast for my poor typing skills. I really wanted to say I love you. Give mama a big hug for me. Save me a place at the table.

Your Son